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Healing, it can be a long and strenuous journey.  When you are healing from the hurt and pain of abandonment, betrayal, and unwanted divorce it can be a long, slow process.  It is like you are climbing a giant staircase where each step is a mountain and you have to push your self to get up it only to realize there is another step looming in front of you.  However with God’s strength and perseverance we can stop after each step and look how far we have come.

Yesterday would have been mine and my husbands 15th wedding anniversary.   As I woke up yesterday morning, honestly, it didn’t cross my mind.  It wasn’t until I went to do my devotional and wrote the date that I remembered.  This is the 3rd anniversary that I have had to face since my husband left.  I remember the first one very clearly because honestly, it was probably the hardest day I have faced so far.  I remember feeling so hurt, lost  and  alone.  I literally sat in a chair all day and basically did nothing but cry.  By the time last year rolled around, I was sad, but nowhere near as bad as the first year.  So when I realized yesterday that it was our anniversary I really didn’t feel much at all.  I know this is progress in my healing but I felt like I need to get to the top of this step.

As I walked out the door, the heat was the first thing to hit me.  It was only around 10am and it was easily 80 degrees and the humidity was high as well.  What I really wanted to do was go to the beach.  My family owns a camp at a nearby lake and we have been going there since I was prob 6 years old.  It is a beautiful private beach and someplace the kids love to go.  There was only one problem-my husband and I got married on this same beach.  As I began to seriously consider whether or not I should go, I thought about how I might feel once I go there.  What if I got there and suddenly everything crashed down on me?  I decided it was a chance I was willing to take.  I knew that God would give me strength and I knew that this step needed to be climbed and today was the day to do it.  As soon as I decided we were going, everything worked against me.  One of my kids didn’t want to go and was making it very difficult to get out of the house.  I could have given up, especially as it got to be nearly 2:00 and we hadn’t even left yet. However, I really felt this was important so I pushed forward and we made it to the lake.  As we arrived I decided that rather than look on that beach and think about all that I had lost since that beautiful morning 15 years earlier, I was going to think about what I had gained.  I didn’t have to look far, just turn around and look at the faces of my 3 amazing children.

My boys and I swam out to the dock not long after we arrived and as we sat there I mentioned what day it was.  I told them it was hard to come, but I felt like it was time.  As I sat there my 10 year old son came over and put his arm around me and said,

“But mom just think, if you hadn’t stood on this beach back then, you wouldn’t have me!”

I smiled back and said that’s right bud!

It is amazing how God speaks to us through our children.  What my son said was exactly what was in my heart.

Overall the day went well and as we got in the car to drive home, I realized, the stair had been climbed and the view from there was pretty great.

I know that there are still many healing stairs to climb and some will be harder than others, but I know that Jesus is waiting for me on each step and he not only climbs with me, but he reaches his hand down to help me up and stands behind me to make sure I don’t fall.

Normally on my blog, I like to focus on positive things, on things that I have gone through and God has shown me how to handle it, I like to be encouraging.  However, the past few days, I have been struggling with something, and I really felt this morning like God was saying, why aren’t you sharing this struggle?  I thought about it and I realized that it was because I don’t have an answer to how to deal with it.  Now I am not the type of person who generally feels like I need to show that I have it all together or that I know the answer to every problem, but for some reason, this struggle hurts and is hard to write about.  So forgive me if this is less structured than usual, I am honestly just talking out loud what my heart feels…..

This is my 3rd summer as a single-mom and for some reason, it is one of the harder ones that I have faced.  Each summer brings its own set of struggles.  Our summers as a family before my husband left were laid back and usually consisted of a few day trips here and there and then maybe an overnight to my in-laws a few states away or another quick trip. The summer before he left we had just purchased kayaks and were excited to start new adventures using them.   Then our family fell apart and everything changed.

The first summer, we were still recovering from the shock of all that had happened, but we managed even though I felt very bad by the end because we didn’t really do anything.

Last summer was more of the same, we didn’t really have the money to do any trips or anything so we mostly just hung out at home.  I always tell the kids that it is no big deal because we are more winter people and most our money is set aside for season passes for snowboarding, but once they get to school and hear about all the trips their friends took, it usually ends up seeming like our summer was pretty lame.  It doesn’t help that we live in a fairly wealthy school district and you are always going to deal with those friends who go to Disney every year or take cruises or travel over seas, all of the things that we couldn’t afford to do and that honestly, I am not ready to do with 3 kids on my own, esepcially when one of them struggles with being in the car for more than an hr and has sleep issues at home let alone somewhere else.

As winter came to an end and spring was here, I was starting to be excited about this summer. This summer, was going to be different. I had been working since February and had set money aside and was excited to be able to  plan something big.  Then, my van kept breaking down and most the money I saved went to fixing it and then getting a new vehicle became a priority.  Here we are in August and we have done nothing.  My kids have spent most days at work with me.  Which, isn’t as bad as you might think.  I work at my church so most days they spend either playing on the indoor or outdoor playground, playing basketball, or playing video games which is basically what they would be doing at home.  Often some of their friends are there as well.  But as a family, the most we have been able to do is take a trip up to the beach and maybe some mini-golf.   This past weekend as I realized that we are into August, this truth really hit me. I felt sad and depressed.  I began thinking about school starting and how the kids would go back and yet again, have nothing to talk about.  As I write this, it strikes me, why does this really bother me?  The truth I think is more because I am worried about how they will feel compared to all their friends.  For myself, I don’t care about traveling really.  I have always been the type of person that was happy just to sit outside, read, bike ride, hike, and swim, do the simple things, I have tried to raise my kids that way too, and for the most part, they are, but then there is always that guilt that sneaks in, telling me how everyone else did something amazing and all we did was sit home.  So then, I not only feel guilty about that, I feel guilty that I feel that way, because there are so many single-moms who are so worse off and don’t have the luxury of living in the country and having a huge yard and a pool.

How do I deal with this?  I can cry out to God and yes, he can help me to see things differently and he can heal the hurt in my heart but that won’t always change my kids’ hearts.  I can’t make them see that I am doing my best and we are more blessed than we know regardless of if we take any trips or not.  And even though I know deep down they know that, it doesn’t make it any easier when they get to school this fall and are asked “What did you do this summer?” It doesn’t make it any easier when they ask me what we are doing this weekend and it ends up being more of the same.  It doesn’t change the fact that they know their dad is off traveling and going on amazing trips that they have no part of. So I guess the bottom line is that is why I didn’t want to write this post.  I didn’t want to write something when I didn’t feel like I had a solution.  I guess the truth is the only solution, is the only one we really ever need and that is to trust God.  When we can’t see an answer, when we don’t know how to make something better, when we don’t know the way forward, we trust Him.

Yesterday morning I awoke from a bad dream.  In the dream, my husband and I were at work together and he was telling me he was leaving me for another woman and serving me with divorce papers.  I was shocked and devastated.  In the dream I kept asking him not to do this, to please consider what he is doing.  I tried to get him to think about the wonderful life we had together, I asked him to get help, to try and work things out, I asked him to think of our children and what this would do to them.  He wouldn’t hear of it and in the end of the dream I staring down at divorce papers.  When I woke up, all the hurt and pain suddenly came crashing down on me.  The dream felt so real, so much like it just happened.

Now this is not exactly how things happened when my husband left, but that hurt and pain was very much how I felt.  The devastation of having your spouse of 13 years, suddenly and completely unexpectedly tell you he is leaving you and your 3 children is totally overwhelming.

Of course, that day was nearly 3 years ago and I am not in the same place that I was then.  But when I woke up with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, I realized that the hurt was still there, not in the same way it was when it happened, but none the less, it was still there.  Kind of like an old injury that acts up every now and then.

The last thing I wanted was to let this hurt take over my day.  So I got out my bible and my devotional books and did what I do every morning, spend time with God.

In both devotions that I was doing the theme was God’s presence with us.  I was reminded that God is not only with us, He is within us.  I was reminded He never leaves us.  I was reminded that He goes before us and prepares the way, He walks beside us along the path he has prepared, and he follows behind us so when the hurt and pain of the past try to come after us, we can look back and see Him. I was reminded that He is enough!

It didn’t take long before the gratitude of everything that God has brought me through washed away the hurt of the past.  It gave me the perspective to look back and see that although I had this horrible thing happen in my life, God carried me through.  It gave me the chance to see God’s faithfulness as I have put my trust in Him to lead me down a path I never expected to walk down.

The enemy wants to keep us walking in darkness, dwelling on the hurt of our past but Jesus tell us that He is the light of the world and that if we follow him we will not walk in darkness.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  John 8:12

I wasn’t happy about the dream, but taking the time to rehearse to myself all that God has done really strengthened my faith.  It gave me the courage to remember that I don’t need to know exactly what the future holds, because I know that He is already there getting it ready for me.  The path ahead may look dark at times, but if I look to him and follow where he leads I don’t have to worry about walking into darkness because he promises me the light of life.

Don’t allow yourself to be robbed of the amazing future that God has for you by letting the hurt of the past control you.  Give your life to Him, follow wherever He leads and keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, then you will never be alone and you will never walk in darkness!

The other day, my sister and I had a conversation and in it we were discussing bible reading.  We were talking about how it is that sometimes, even though we are reading the bible daily, our attitude doesn’t reflect that.  It is more that we are just reading to read and not allowing God to speak.  We also talked about how other times when we are reading we come across something and we immediately think about someone who needs to hear that! Why is it that we don’t think about ourselves needing to hear it first?

As we were talking about this, Psalm 139:23-24 came into my head.  I said, I guess that is why we need to frequently pray these verses.

“Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23-24

I know that many times, even with writing my blog, I may write something with a particular purpose to reach someone who is on my mind or just to encourage others, but numerous times, I have gone back and re-read them and started to cry realizing that the person I needed to be talking to was myself!

The next morning as I was doing my devotions, the first devotion I did, these verse were one of the verses to read.  As I went on to another reading that I am doing, one of the passages for the day came from Psalm 139 as well.  The verse popped up in a few other places that morning as well.  I was like OK God I guess you are trying to tell me something here!

What I felt like God was telling me was as much for me as it is for everyone….we need to self-examine our selves, we need to ask the Holy Spirit to show us what we need to address with His help.  Just reading our bible isn’t enough.  I read a great quote in my devotional from Nicky Gumbel.  He wrote “Knowledge about God will not satisfy you inner thirst, you need to cry out as the psalmist did for God’s presence.  Meet with God and pour out your soul, Worship is key!”  From Bible in One Year on YouVersion.

You see we can know whole books of the bible by heart, we can know all the stories and know all about Jesus, but unless that knowledge leads us to cry to God pouring our soul out to him, unless that leads us to worship, it is just head knowledge and nothing else. God speaks through his word and while we need to be reading his word, to hear it we also have to ask him to show us what he wants us to know.  We need the power of the Holy Spirit to open our ears to hear and our eyes to see.  We need to stop thinking everything we read is for someone else and start realizing that God is speaking to us and we need his help to become who he wants us to be.

Yesterday I challenged myself, to spend more time crying out to God with my whole soul, to ask him daily or even more frequently if need be to search me,to know my heart, to show me where I need to change and to lead me.  I want my life and my attitude to reflect my relationship with Jesus.  I don’t want to read a verse and automatically thing..oh this is for my “ex-husband” he needs to read this!  I want to approach everything I read in the bible and ask God to show me what he wants me to learn from it. Then I will more clearly be able to help point others to Christ.

I love when God shows us something that goes right in line with some things that have been going on in our lives.  The other day as I was reading my devotional, the passage was in Luke chapter 11 vs 24-26.  Jesus was speaking to a crowd and told this story….

 “When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, and finding none it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’  And when it comes, it finds the house swept and put in order. Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there. And the last state of that person is worse than the first.”  Luke 11:24-26

As I read the passage it got me thinking about some things that I had been talking with my daughter about.  She has been having some trouble lately with fear and constant negative thoughts and patterns.  I told her the best thing to do is to replace the bad thoughts with good ones, the bad patterns with better ones.  Replace every lie that the enemy tries to tell you with a truth from God.  For example….

Lie : “I have done too many bad things, God isn’t going to love me anymore”
Truth: God loved you so much he sent his son to die for you(John 3:16) Nothing, Nothing, Nothing can separate you from his love(Romans 8:31-39)

Lie: “I can’t do this, it is impossible”
Truth: You can do all things through the strength that Jesus gives(Philippians 4:13) and NOTHING is impossible or too difficult for God.(Matthew 19:26, Jeremiah 32:27)

Those are just a couple of examples but you can fill in the blanks for yourself.  Think of the lies you believe about yourself and then find the truth in God’s word.

You see, if we just try to remove the thoughts and don’t replace them with truth, we leave ourselves open to more lies. We need the power that comes from the word of God and the strength that Jesus gives to get rid of the fear and lies.

It is just like the passage above.  The individual’s “house” was swept and put in order but it was empty.  It needed to be filled and the only one who can do that kind of filling is Jesus.  If we don’t put truth into ourselves, if we don’t fill ourselves up with Jesus, and with the promises of God’s word then we leave ourselves vulnerable to lies and evil.  The passage above ends by saying the person was in a worse state than they were before.  To me that passage is so very sad. Here they had the chance to have a new life, to be filled with the peace and life of Jesus but instead, they end up filled with more evil than before.

When you find yourself in a place where fear is ruling, where you are listening more to the lies of the enemy than to the truth of God, don’t just remove those bad thoughts, replace them with God’s truth, replace the bad with the best. Get into God’s word and learn what He has to say about you. Don’t just remove, replace!

This morning as I was getting ready for work and thinking about some things going on in my life I started to allow some anger to creep in.  I try hard not to let this happen, especially when the anger is directed at my “ex-husband” but this morning it was knocking on my door.

You see, yesterday I went and applied for a loan to get a “new” vehicle…new to us that is.  The van I have had for the past 14 years is really on its way out and every time I turn around I am having to put more and more money into it.  I wanted to get something that would be big enough for our family as well as reliable. Of course that combo isn’t cheap and so I had to look into a loan.  Honestly, the thought of adding a car loan to the mix scares me.  I just recently started working and the job I am working is not permanent at this time.  As this was going through my head this morning as well as the thought of school supplies looming and school clothes I was really starting to freak out.

As I was thinking about that, an e-mail that my “ex” sent last week popped into my head.  You see he has always been a huge music fan and he loves concerts.  There is even one band that he practically follows around and these tickets don’t come cheap…I mean I am talking around $200 a pop.  In the e-mail he had made a comment about saving his money to go to as many shows as he can with the new tour this band is starting next year.  That is when I started to let my anger get the best of me.  Here I am worrying about having a safe reliable vehicle for my kids and he drives around in a brand new company car…here I am worrying about how I am going to buy school clothes and he is worried about how many concerts he gets to go to.  Here I am working hard and basically doing nothing all summer long while he travels around the country on vacation doing things that aren’t even an option for me.  That quickly can transcend into deeper pain about how I am raising 3 kids alone while he walked out on us and wanders around with his girlfriend, living large.  Now if I let those thoughts take root…boy that can be a dangerous place to be.

So what do we do when those thoughts come in, how do we let go of that kind of anger?  Well I did the same thing that I always do when the enemy tries to put me on the slippery slide to self-pity.  I thought about things from a better perspective.  God will gladly show you if you ask him. So I cried out to God and said Lord help!

He responded so quickly to me.  And as he always does when this begins to happen, he asks me questions like these….

1. Would there be anything on this earth that would be worth not having your children with you ever day?  my answer NO! There is nothing on this earth that means more to me than having my kids with me.  Than seeing them grow up, than being there with them every day and laughing with them, seeing their smiles and feeling their hugs.
2. Would you want to go through this life apart from me?  my answer NO!  How Lord could I go through this life without you?  Why would I ever want to?  You are my everything!
3. Do you think the grass is greener on the other side of my will?  my answer NO! I would not want to be on the other side of your will Lord, that never turns out well.
4. Have I taken care of you these past 3 years, have I been there and made sure you were taken care of?  Yes Lord, you have done amazing things and you have provided and supported and cared for us each step of the way.
5. Do I change?  Am I going to stop taking care of you all the sudden?  Do you think I am going to run out of resources? No Lord, you don’t change and you will always take care of us, your resources are endless.
6. Are the “pleasures” of this life anything compared to the life I have planned for you? No Lord, nothing compares to the life you have planned for me.

You see, while it may look like he is living the high life, really, it isn’t a life I would want.  He may get to wake up and go where ever he wants each day but I get to wake up and look into the faces of my children. While he is wandering around the country doing different things, he does them without one of the greatest treasures he was ever given…his children.  From the world’s perspective it may look like I got the short end of the stick, but from God’s perspective, I have more than I could ever ask for.  There is a quote I once read from Christian Rapper Lecrae, he said

“You can live life like there’s no tomorrow, but tomorrow is still there when you wake up, full of consequences.” Lecrae

You see, living life in the fast lane, having fun and ignoring the life that God has called you to may seem great at the time, but the truth is, one day, we will wake up and face the consequences for those actions.  The bible is clear that we will all have to give an account to God.

“Yes, each of us will give a personal account to God.” Romans 14:12 NLT

I don’t know about you, but I would rather live my life for God and have the peace and joy that only comes from him than to run with the things of this world and have to wake up to the consequences of those actions.  Nothing in this world will ever be able to fill the emptiness inside us, only God can do that. So when we chase after the “fun” of this world, we are chasing shadows that will never give us what we are longing for deep inside.

When I begin to look at things from God’s perspective I see that the person who is really losing out, the person who really got the short end of the stick isn’t me at all.  It is then that my anger disappears and in its place is the steady peace of God and joy in knowing that He has blessed me far more than I know.

The other day an interesting thing happened in our house that gave me the opportunity to talk to my kids about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit.  My two sons one day last week were talking about a challenge their dad once gave them about not getting in trouble for a year.  They were laughing about it saying they wanted to try that and I said, I bet you would have a hard time getting through one week.  So a challenge was made for $20 each if they could go one week without fighting, giving me a hard time, or getting into trouble.  Honestly, I figured there was no way they were doing that so I wasn’t too concerned about coming up with the $40.

However, just before the week was up, it was apparent that they were going to make it.  As a side note, let me say that the week of peace, was totally worth the $40!  Anyway, they started discussing what they were going to do with their $20, and spent time on Amazon looking for deals.  Then out of the blue my older son comes to me and says. “mom, I really feel like I am supposed to give my $20 to offering at church.”  I looked at him and told him then that is what he should do.  I explained to him that when something like that comes into our head, something that is totally outside of what we would normally do and something that lines up with what God’s word tells us to do,  that is the Holy Spirit speaking to us.  He looked at me with an amazed look on his face and said “it is?!” I told him, the best thing to do, is be obedient and do it right away.  So we agreed that I would go ahead and give his $20 to church.

Now that in and of itself was a proud mom moment.  My kids do NOT get any allowance or any money from any other source, so for him to give up the $20 without blinking an eye, was nothing short of the miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. So, you can imagine my surprise when his brother came up to me and said, “mom, I don’t want to get something just for myself, I want to split the money and get a $10 thing that I want and use the other $10 on my brother”  Ok, by this point, tears are in my eyes.  I hugged both my boys and was so thankful for the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit in their hearts.

As adults, it can be very hard for us to be obedient to the Holy Spirit, especially when it comes to money.  Many times I have felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to do something and sometimes I have been obedient and sometimes I haven’t but I have noticed that the more I was obedient, the easier it was the next time.  Watching my son so willingly obey was a challenge to me.  He didn’t question or argue, he just obeyed.

To me this was just another example of why Jesus must have said

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

My prayer is that I would always be obedient to the voice of the Holy Spirit immediately, especially when it comes to money, just the way my son was.

This morning as I was doing one of my devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, a verse came up that isn’t probably one that you read often.  It is found in Deuteronomy 33.  In this chapter we read about the blessings that Moses  pronounced on the tribes of Israel prior to his death. In vs. 12 is his blessing to the tribe of Benjamin and it reads:

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him,
    for he shields him all day long,
    and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”

As I read this my eyes immediately went to the word rest.  Lately, I have been a bit tired for some reason, most likely because this is the first summer in over 11 years that I have worked outside the home.  My kids, who are used to staying up late and not having to get up early, are still wanting to stay up late watching movies as we usually do.  I have quickly found that at 44yrs old, I can not stay up till midnight every night and get up at 6 or so to get ready for work!   But regardless, reading about rest, sure sounded good to me.  I highlighted those words in my bible and thanked God for the rest that only he can bring.

However, when I went to my journal and re-wrote the verse, I realized God wanted to show me something else from this verse.  As I rewrote the end of the verse about resting between his shoulders God gave me a clear picture of a young child sitting on their fathers shoulders.   I started to think about that further.  I am sure you may remember a time when either you were young or as a parent when your kids were young and their father picked them up and placed them on his shoulders.  I started thinking about why?

Well the first reason that came to mind was exhaustion.  Kids have little legs, and little legs trying to keep up with big legs get tired quickly.  It isn’t much different for us.  When we rush around trying to keep up with the things of this world and don’t stop to get the rest we need, we get tired.  I felt like God was saying,….”you’re tired, let me pick you up and put you on my shoulders.”

The second reason that came to mind was a better view.  Maybe at a show at the zoo or  an outdoor concert where many people are gathered around and dad picks up his small child and puts him up on his shoulders so that he/she can see the show.  Now I don’t know about you, but many times things in life block my view.  My problems pile up around me and I can’t see the way forward.  I also felt God saying…”let me carry you on my shoulders so you can see the path that I have laid out for you”

The third thing God reminded me of in this verse was that He is Father.  That is always a great reminder to a single-mom who is having to be both mother and father to her children as well as to a woman whose father left when she was a child and has had little “father” help since.

As I finished writing all this down in my journal, I was amazed at how, when we take the time to meditate on even just one verse, God shows up in an amazing way and expounds to us the truth we so desperately need to hear.

So today, maybe you are tired and weary.  Maybe all you can see in front of you is the problems and circumstances of your life.  Cry out to your Father, just like a child who would cry out saying  “daddy, put me on your shoulders” and then let Him pick you up and put you on his shoulders.  Let Him carry you a while and give you a clear view of the path he has for you. Today, ride on God’s shoulders.

I love Music!  All kinds!  I have music on in my house pretty much 24/7. But more than just being entertainment, music can be a powerful tool.  It can lift our mood, or bring us down.  God can use it to speak to us or it can draw us further away from Him all depending on what we are listening to.

Now honestly I am not here to debate what kind of music you should or should not listen to, as I said I like all kinds of music, but there are times in our life where changing what we are listening to can truly change our life.

My daughter and I were talking about this the other day.  She was looking into a few bands that a friend of hers had recommended and checking the content of what they sang about.  As we read through some of the lyrics it gave me a chance to talk to her about what we allow ourselves to listen to and the effect it can have on us.  I was able to share a story with her of a specific time in my life where changing what I listened to allowed the opportunity for God to work in my heart and really changed my life.

I grew up in an abusive home, and while I don’t want to get into the details of it in this post, it is enough to know that it left me with a lot of anger and hurt.  I moved out when I was 18 years old and for the first time in my life I had the freedom to do what I wanted.  It didn’t take long before my once strong faith took a back seat to what seemed exciting and fun at the time.  Music was one of the first things that changed.  In my home I was not allowed to listen to anything but Christian music, and believe me, back in the 80’s Christian Music was not what it is now. So when I got on my own, I started to discover plenty of different bands and all different kinds of music.  Not that there is anything wrong with listening to music other than Christian, but some of what I was choosing to listen to had a message that was certainly less than Christian.  I remember clearly there was one song in particular that I listened to that kind of became my mantra so to speak. I would sing it over and over and allow it to fill me, but what it really filled me with was more anger, more hurt and a healthy dose of unforgiveness.  None of that is a very fun way to live, especially when you are a lonely young girl.

However, one Saturday morning as I was sitting in bed, I found an old tape(yes a cassette tape it was that long ago)  that I hadn’t listened to in a long time.  It was from the Christian Band  White Heart. The song that came on as I began to listen to the tape was a song called Seventy times 7 you can look it up if you want by clicking the link.   The song starts out by crying out to God about how many times do we have to go through pain, why is it always the innocent that seem to be the ones that get hurt and why is God asking us to let it go?  The song goes on like this for a few verse and then the bomb drops!  The final verse of the song brings these lyrics:

How many times
Have You wept from the anguish
of all my shame?
How many times
Have I nailed You up on the cross of pain?
You bled from a broken heart
and I was to blame
Seventy times seven

I remember hearing those words, words I had heard a thousand times before when I had listened to that tape, but this time they hit me like a ton of bricks.  Tears began to fall and I realized that all the anger I had inside of me was killing me and with God’s help it was time to forgive.  Seeing what I was doing in the light of what Jesus had done for me completely changed my perspective.  I sat down and wrote a long letter, not only forgiving the person I was so angry with, but also, asking for their forgiveness for the way I had treated them.  I can say that from that day till now, my relationship with this person has been different.  I felt like a new person, I felt like the sun finally came out after years of rain.  Of course, the truth was the Son did come out.  It was only Jesus that allowed me to forgive and move forward in my life with a new heart.  And truth be told,  I have never listened to that other song again since that day.

This story allowed me the opportunity to teach my daughter the importance of what we allow ourselves to listen to.  We have all heard the whole garbage in garbage out statement, but the truth is that what we allow to speak into our lives does matter.

If you feel down, lonely, hurt or filled with pain, take a look at what you are allowing to speak into your life.  What are your listening to, is it bringing healing or despair? Is it pointing you to life or is it bringing death?  Maybe it is time to find that “old tape” and allow God to speak to you and bring the healing that only He can bring.

This morning as I was standing in my kitchen eating breakfast, I was singing a song that was in my head from a worship service earlier this week at church.  If you want to look it up the song is “Pursue / All I Need Is You (Medley)” by Hillsong Young and Free.  The lines that stuck with me so much were:

Lead me to you
Forever, lord, I will pursue
I will pursue
You’ve won my heart
Jesus, you’re all that I want
All that I want

I have been singing that chorus over and over and this morning I started thinking about why?  I quickly realized that the reason it resonated so much with me is because it truly expressed my heart’s desire…Jesus.  Now to be completely honest….I have not always felt that way.  Although I have been a Christian for many years and have gone though many ups and downs in my faith, I don’t think it was until I went through the horror and betrayal of my husband leaving that I really began to fall in love with Jesus in a way I had never experienced before.  My heart was broken, I felt so lost, and all I truly wanted was to be loved.  It was then, as I spent more and more time in prayer, worship, and reading my Bible that I realized that I already was loved.  The love I so longed for, the love that would never leave, the love that would never betray, the love that would hold me close was a love that I already had.  The love of Jesus.  The more I sought Jesus, the more I pursued Him, the more in love with Him I fell.

It is not an easy path to walk, recovering from an unwanted divorce and deciding to follow the path God leads you on.  It can be a hard path, especially when it is contrary to what most everyone  else thinks you should do.   Everyone says, go on with your life…my response…I have, I am going on with my life with Jesus.  People ask why I still wear my wedding band…my response…because to take it off means I am available and God has clearly told me I am not..I wear it as a reminder, that I am God’s, I belong to Him and I want to follow his plan.  In my pursuit of Jesus, I have come to a place where He is all that I want.  I don’t always totally understand and if I begin to think about the future too much, I can get freaked out and scared.  I don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I know that I don’t want to live a second of my life without Jesus.  When I start to get scared, I back out of thinking too far ahead and I turn my eyes to Jesus.  I focus on Him, I pursue Him with all my heart.  It is then that I can rest and know that He is always with me and whatever plan God has for me, is going to be far better than anything I could come up with.

Maybe you have had to go through the pain of an unwanted divorce or separation.  Or maybe, you are in a tough marriage.  None of these are fun or easy places to be.  The best thing I can tell you is this…fall in love with Jesus.  Pursue him with all that is in you. Make him your first love and you will find that his love is the only love that you can’t live without!