Healing, it can be a long and strenuous journey. When you are healing from the hurt and pain of abandonment, betrayal, and unwanted divorce it can be a long, slow process. It is like you are climbing a giant staircase where each step is a mountain and you have to push your self to get up it only to realize there is another step looming in front of you. However with God’s strength and perseverance we can stop after each step and look how far we have come.
Yesterday would have been mine and my husbands 15th wedding anniversary. As I woke up yesterday morning, honestly, it didn’t cross my mind. It wasn’t until I went to do my devotional and wrote the date that I remembered. This is the 3rd anniversary that I have had to face since my husband left. I remember the first one very clearly because honestly, it was probably the hardest day I have faced so far. I remember feeling so hurt, lost and alone. I literally sat in a chair all day and basically did nothing but cry. By the time last year rolled around, I was sad, but nowhere near as bad as the first year. So when I realized yesterday that it was our anniversary I really didn’t feel much at all. I know this is progress in my healing but I felt like I need to get to the top of this step.
As I walked out the door, the heat was the first thing to hit me. It was only around 10am and it was easily 80 degrees and the humidity was high as well. What I really wanted to do was go to the beach. My family owns a camp at a nearby lake and we have been going there since I was prob 6 years old. It is a beautiful private beach and someplace the kids love to go. There was only one problem-my husband and I got married on this same beach. As I began to seriously consider whether or not I should go, I thought about how I might feel once I go there. What if I got there and suddenly everything crashed down on me? I decided it was a chance I was willing to take. I knew that God would give me strength and I knew that this step needed to be climbed and today was the day to do it. As soon as I decided we were going, everything worked against me. One of my kids didn’t want to go and was making it very difficult to get out of the house. I could have given up, especially as it got to be nearly 2:00 and we hadn’t even left yet. However, I really felt this was important so I pushed forward and we made it to the lake. As we arrived I decided that rather than look on that beach and think about all that I had lost since that beautiful morning 15 years earlier, I was going to think about what I had gained. I didn’t have to look far, just turn around and look at the faces of my 3 amazing children.
My boys and I swam out to the dock not long after we arrived and as we sat there I mentioned what day it was. I told them it was hard to come, but I felt like it was time. As I sat there my 10 year old son came over and put his arm around me and said,
“But mom just think, if you hadn’t stood on this beach back then, you wouldn’t have me!”
I smiled back and said that’s right bud!
It is amazing how God speaks to us through our children. What my son said was exactly what was in my heart.
Overall the day went well and as we got in the car to drive home, I realized, the stair had been climbed and the view from there was pretty great.
I know that there are still many healing stairs to climb and some will be harder than others, but I know that Jesus is waiting for me on each step and he not only climbs with me, but he reaches his hand down to help me up and stands behind me to make sure I don’t fall.