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I would like to start off by saying Happy Father’s Day, but I know for many of you this day is anything but happy.  It is a reminder of exactly what is missing in the lives of you and your children.  On the other hand, I want to say Happy Father’s Day to you, because right now, many of us as single-mom’s are having to be mother and father to our children.  So in a way, today is your day just as much as Mother’s Day was!

I know that today more than other days, your heart aches.  It aches for what you once had, it aches for what you never had, and/or it just aches at what you have to watch your children live without. My heart aches!

However, today, I would like to remind you that you have something amazing that you can celebrate.  That is the love of a perfect father!  You and your children have a father who loves you more than you could ever imagine.

Psalm 68:5; “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”  reminds us that God is the father to the fatherless. The omnipotent Creator of the universe, is your father!  Have you ever really stopped to think about that?  I don’t know that I ever really did until the day my kids were suddenly left without a father.  It was then that, as I studied the scriptures, God continued to bring verses to me that showed Him as father, as protector, as the one who takes care of us…all the things a father should be!  One of the first verses he showed me was Isaiah 40:11

“He tends his flock like a shepherd:  he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;    he gently leads those that have young” 

When I finished reading that verse…I remember thinking…how have I never read that verse before.  Well it wasn’t that I had never read it, it was just that it never jumped out at me before the way it did now.  I love the  …he gently leads those that have young.  I remember thinking…that is me!  I am the mother with young that he will gently lead.  He will carry me and my children close to his heart.

I know right now, you are hurting, so let your Father carry you and your children close to his heart.  I know you might feel lost, so let your Father gently lead you through each day. And today, instead of focusing on what our children don’t have, let’s focus on what they do have….a brave, amazing, mother, who loves them with all that is in her and a true, always loving heavenly Father who will NEVER, EVER leave them!

Grief, when we hear the term we automatically think of death.  But the truth is that grief comes in many forms.  According to Merriam-Webster the second definition listed for grief is “a cause of deep sadness”.  Grief could more appropriately be associated with loss.  That loss may come in the form of physical death, or it may come in the form of the death of a marriage or the death of a dream.

I never really thought about grief in this way, nor even realized that it was grief that I was experiencing when my husband left.  Day after day, I sat in my suffering, trying to find a way to go on.  It was then that I began to realize, this was like a death, without the physical death.  I had lost someone that I loved very much completely unexpectedly.  The hardest part about it was, that it wasn’t because of an accident or illness, it was by choice.  My husband chose to walk away from me.  He chose to betray me and leave me alone with our 3 children.  He chose to abandon his children.  That betrayal hurt worse than anything I could have ever imagined.

The suffering associated with grief brings a kind of loneliness that can be very consuming.  I remember reading a blog post by Vaneetha Rendall called “The Loneliness of Suffering“(you can read the entire post by clicking on it) Some of the comments she made so hit home with me.  Comments like “Part of me is crushed, I will never be the same again. My life is radically altered”  spoke directly to how I felt.

Another point she made that I knew to be true was that the only way out of grief, was to draw near to God by reading the bible and praying.

For the first year after my husband left, as soon as my kids got on the bus for school, I sat with my bible and my journal and spent the first 1 to 2 hours of my day with God. I honestly do not know how would I have gotten through even one day if I did not do that.  It was in those hours with God that I began to move forward in my grief, it was there that my loneliness felt less, and it was there that my suffering was eased by the presence of God and by His promises that never would he leave me or let me fall.

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall“
Psalm 55:22

Through those countless hours of praying, journaling, and studying the bible, I learned more than I could have ever thought possible. My relationship with Jesus came to life in a way that I have never experienced before.  I found a joy that I didn’t know I could have in the midst of such pain and grief.

Now that doesn’t mean that every day is now peaches and cream.  Healing from grief and suffering is a process, and one that can not be rushed.   There were many, many tears that had to be shed and sometimes, even nearly 3 years later, those tears still come when I least expect them to.  Dark days still creep in here and there, days where  loneliness is so all-encompassing that I don’t see a way out of it.  On those days I realize that I am still healing and I stop and take time to seek God more. No matter what though, the bottom line is that in my grief, in my sorrow, in my hurt and pain, God has been and continues to be my comforter, my healer, my provider, my one true love.  As Rick Warren said “You never know God is all you need until God is all you have”.  There is so much truth in that statement.  Don’t get me wrong, I would love for my marriage to be restored, I would love to have back what I have lost, to not have to raise my kids as a single-mom, but I know now that I don’t need those things to happen in order to have an amazing life.  Each day I wake up and remind myself that I am God’s, I belong to him and my future is in his hands and whatever he has planned for me is going to be far better than anything I could dream up.

If you are suffering through grief, be it a “deathless” grief or the loss of a loved one, turn your eyes to Jesus.  Pray, read the bible and open yourself up to the healing that only Jesus can bring.  Your circumstances may not change, but your view of them certainly will.  Allow Him to fill the emptiness inside of you because, he is the only one who truly can!

Today I am going to do something that I don’t usually do on my blog, I’m going to let off some steam!

A few days ago I read a letter online that really put me over the edge when I read it.  Now I am not going to go into much of the content of the letter because it is, in and of itself, about something different from the point I am making, but, regardless, the comment that angered me was there.

The guy who wrote the letter  was basically saying that he was leaving his wife and his comment alluded to the fact that the reason he was doing it was because he wasn’t what she needed.  Basically, he was saying he was leaving his wife and their 2 children for her benefit.

Really?  I mean come on! You are leaving your wife, the woman you have committed yourself to, the woman you made a covenant before God with, the woman you promised to love no matter what and then you tell her you are doing it for her?!  Ugh that makes me want to scream!!! Obviously this person has never been on the receiving end of this.  He must have no idea the hurt and pain that his wife and children will/are experiencing.

How many wives(or husbands) have heard a statement like that?  I know I did.  I can remember my husband telling me that I deserved better than him.  Well he was right!  But, what I deserved was for him to be that someone better!

What I deserved was a husband who was willing to bail on his pride rather than on his family.  What I deserved was a man who was willing to say, I am not the husband I should be and I need help.  What I deserved was a husband who would do what it takes to become the man I deserved by humbling himself and crying out to God for help.  And my husband deserved the same from me.  The problem lies when one person decides they no longer want to put their spouse first, they think the way to find “love” is to put their own wants first. They decide that their “feelings” are more important than the covenant they made before God.

Statements like “you deserve better” or ” I’m not what you need” are nothing more than a  cop-out.  A way to continue on in sin while trying to ease the guilt by making it look like you are caring more about your spouse than you do yourself.  Give me a BREAK!  It is nothing more than pure selfishness wrapped up in a bow of “caring”

So to this husband and any other husbands(or wives) who try to say they are leaving for the benefit of their spouse…I say this:  You aren’t fooling anyone! If you truly believe that you are not what your spouse needs…then become the person they need!  If you believe you are not the person that they deserve then become the person they deserve!    This is not something that any of us can do in our own strength, but we serve a God who tells us we can do ALL things with him. (Philippians 4:13).  On the other hand if you are saying this because  of adultery or because you think the grass is greener on the other side…I say this to you….the grass is NEVER greener on the other side of God’s will.  The hurt and pain that this will cause to your spouse, your children if you have them, and yourself is far beyond what you are telling yourself.    Thinking that your spouse and children are better off without you is a lie from the pit of hell.  Cry out to God, no matter what situation you are in, He loves you, He loves your family, He is listening (Psalm 18:6) and He will help you through whatever you are facing.

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

Holiday Weekends, something we all look forward to!  Days off from work, days spent with friends and family, maybe a short vacation whatever it may be, we associate it with fun.

When my husband left, he left 2 days before Thanksgiving.  I will never forget the sudden crushing pain of that day…and the thought of the start of the Holidays was something I couldn’t deal with.  I will also never forget how one of the pastors from my church called me to invite my kids and I to his home for Thanksgiving Dinner.  He and his wife didn’t want me to have to worry about what I was going to do and they didn’t want the kids and I to eat at home alone.  To this day, my kids will tell you that was the BEST Thanksgiving they ever had.

However, as one holiday turned into another, I began to notice that each time a holiday rolled around, or even just a long weekend, the whole atmosphere around the house changed.  The kids would fight more, taking their hurt and pain out on each other and on me.  I would suddenly feel like I was fighting back tears.  It didn’t matter the holiday and it didn’t matter how well I thought I was doing leading up to it, no matter what, the hurt of having a broken family would always seem to break through.

This past Thanksgiving, it had been 2 years since my husband left and it was the first holiday that this didn’t happen.  Everyone was having a great time as we ate dinner with great friends, the whole weekend was spent in excitement of Christmas Tree decorating and shopping.  It was the first time that I spent a holiday without that looming feeling that I was going home alone with my kids.  I felt truly happy and excited.  I thought, finally!  We are in the clear!

LOL!  Not! It is funny how grief is such a strange animal.  It sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

This past weekend as the kids had extra days off from school because of unused snow days, we had an extra long memorial day weekend.  Now I did work on Friday, and Saturday went fine, but as Sunday started to roll around, I began to see the hurt creep in.  By the time Monday afternoon rolled around, the kids were a mess and I was barely holding back the tears.  When the kids dad called to talk to them, my hurt just intensified as did theirs.  As I looked at pictures on Facebook(which generally I don’t let get to me) of families hiking and boating, I really began to feel so broken again. I started questioning why?  Why is this getting to me?  I thought I was passed all of this?  How long will this hurt linger?  Will my life ever feel complete again? How long will I have to watch my kids suffer through the pain of living without their dad?  The truth is that when it comes to grief, there are no time frames.  It is different for each person.  What bother’s you today, may not even phase you the next time.  And as a child  whose father abandoned her, I also know that having your father walk out on you is something that takes years and years to heal from and  healing can only truly come at the hands of Jesus.

This morning as I got up and got ready for work, I felt better.  But it left me thinking about all the broken families who deal with similar issues in their own way.  All the single-mom’s out there who suddenly had their lives torn upside down. All the children who are forced to spend holidays missing one of their parents because either one parent walked away or they have to go back and forth between 2 families.  This isn’t how things are supposed to be.  It is a constant reminder of the broken, sin-filled world we live in.  And while I will do whatever I can to help single-mom’s and help kids to find peace with the circumstances they find themselves in, what this weekend really did, was remind me of how much I long for the day when Jesus will set everything right.  It reminded me that my hope is found in what Jesus has done and in the fact that my time on earth is short but the time I will spend with Jesus is forever.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!” 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT

So when the hurt of holiday weekends surrounds you, when the grief of your circumstances overwhelm you, remember, it is temporary and look to heaven, look to Jesus for there our hope is found!

This is a tough post for me to write.  Mostly because it forces me to look at some things in myself that I would rather not look at.

1. I am stubborn. I have gotten better by allowing God to work on me but I still am rather stubborn.
2. I  like to do things myself. Now in and of itself that is not a bad thing, but it can be when we refuse to ask for help when we truly need it.

Before my husband left, he always used to say that we were an island unto ourselves. Everything we did, we did together, and we did alone.  Rarely did we ask for help from others or allow others into the little world we had created.  I was used to handling a lot of the stuff around the house as he worked all day and I stayed home with the kids.  I did the yard work, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house and cooked dinner.  My husband did the laundry, cleaned up from dinner including doing all the dishes and usually handled bath routines for the boys.  Everything worked pretty smoothly and on the rare occasion we were overwhelmed, we just dealt with it.

When my husband left, it was literally a week before I realized I had to do laundry!  It wasn’t long before I became completely overwhelmed with trying to keep up with everything.  But, being me, I refused to ask for help.  To me, that was like letting him win.  Letting him see that I couldn’t do it with out him and at that point, I wasn’t about to let that happen.  I allowed a wall of pride to build up and hid it under the facade of being strong and showing everyone that I could do this.  When people did ask me if I needed help, I couldn’t bring myself to say yes.  Not only did I need to show I could do it, but I tried to keep doing everything he did as well as everything I did without any compromise.

The truth is that everyone needs help at some point in their life, and if that person is a single-mom, you can bet they need help!

Being a single-mom is tough and when you add to that the hurt, pain, loss, and loneliness that goes with having your spouse leave, it can be a recipe for disaster.

Now I have come a long way since those initial days of being overwhelmed, but I am far from able to do EVERYTHING on my own.   I have become a bit better about asking for help and I have also allowed myself to just let some things go.

So now, I want to address 2 groups of people.

First to Single-Mom’s

I want you to know that you don’t have to do it all on your own.  Ask for help when you need it and don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about needing that help.  Parenting was designed to be a 2 person job.   Also, let go of what you can.  If your laundry isn’t constantly kept up, that is ok.  As long as everyone has something clean to wear, that is good enough. If you have to let the lawn go for a few extra days, it is not the end of the world.  If you had a long day at work and you need to give the kids something fast for dinner, do it!  It is ok.  Find what works for you and go with it.  Look to God for strength and wisdom, He will give you what you need.

To the friends and family of single-mom’s

Help!  Many single-mom’s, especially new single-mom’s are hurting and may not ask for help.  Offer the help.   If she says she is ok, look deeper, you will probably notice that she really is silently screaming for help and just doesn’t know how to let you know that.   Just because she appears to be strong and has it under control doesn’t mean that she isn’t drowning in private.  Call, check in with her, let her know you are thinking of her.  Offer something specific.  Rather than just saying, ‘.. let me know if you need anything.’ let her know what you were thinking of doing.  It is harder to say no to someone who says:

“I was thinking I could bring lunch over for you and the kids and help you get some yard work done.”

If you can’t physically help, send a gift card to a local pizza place so that she can just pick up dinner on her way home one night without having to worry about the cost. I remember a gentleman in my church who came up to me one day after service and slipped something into my hand when he shook it.  When I looked he had given me $40 and said for me to take the kids out with it.  I can not express what that meant to me.  He just did it, he didn’t ask if I needed anything, he just knew that I did and helped.

God gives us the privilege of being his hands and feet.  Widows and the fatherless were among those that  we are called to look after. You may not look at single-mom’s as widows but many of them are single-mom’s because they have “lost” their husbands not to a physical death, but more a spiritual death.  They are grieving and need our love and support.  So together, let’s be the helpers that are needed and show these brave women and the children the love of Christ.

Posting something a little different today.  Often I like to write poems that express either something I am feeling or going through…this is one I wrote a bit ago.  I thought I would share it.  We all love the mountain top experiences with God, but the truth is, it is in the valleys that we truly grow.

I met God on a mountain top
The height of which I knew not
The peaks soared above the ground
The wind that blew, the only sound

The view was beauty beyond compare
Breath-taking vistas; I could only stare
Speechless, I stood upon that peak
So overwhelmed, I could not speak

Yet more overwhelming than this awe-striking view
Was God’s presence beside, fresh and new
As peace bubbled up, dispelling my fears
My eyes welled up with joyful tears

I asked God if I could stay
Upon this peak all my days
He turned to me with a sympathetic smile
And said ‘I’m sorry, I must say no, my child’

I questioned Him to no avail
My begging and whining would not prevail
He simply looked down at that mountain of rock
And said, ‘My child, nothing grows on a mountain top’

‘Down in the valley you must go
For only there will you learn and grow
Going through the valley is the only way
On the mountains you can’t yet stay

I cried and pleaded,
‘But I won’t survive
I can’t make it through
if you’re not at my side’

‘My child, my child
Peace, Be Still!
Even in the valley
I am with you still’

‘Never will I leave you,
I’m always by your side
I travel the road before you
And watch you from behind’

‘There is a plan and a purpose
In every step you take
My will for you accomplished
Through every step with grace’

‘So while you’re in the valley
I tell you do not fear
Reach for my hand and hold it
For I am always near’

‘I will lead you steadily
Down the path for you I’ve chose
Bringing you at last
To live with me at home’

Last week, I got a speeding ticket.  Now, for most people, this has probably happened to them at some point in their life, but honestly, in my 26+ years of driving I have never had a speeding ticket.  Sure I had been stopped before, I tend to drive a little on the faster side as I am just a face-paced person, but this was the first time I ever actually received a ticket.  I still remember as I sat there in the car waiting for the officer to return, just praying that I wouldn’t get a ticket.  I tried to hold back the tears, but by the time he came back (15 minutes later) the tears were streaming down my face.  I also knew that I would now be getting to work late, which for me, is very upsetting as well.

By the time I walked into work, I could barely hold myself together.  Now you are probably thinking this seems a little excessive, but the truth is, this was just that one thing that pushed me over the edge.  For weeks leading up to that moment things had been pushing on me, and whether they were bad things, like watching my kids deal with some hurtful things, or good things, like adjusingt to working again, at the moment I got that ticket, it was like the levy broke.  All those emotions suddenly came pouring out and honestly, it took me days to get past it.

While I was talking to my mom, her boyfriend made a comment.  He said, maybe this was God’s way of telling me to slow down.  I kind of laughed at the time, but as I began to think more about this…I realized, that statement was truer that I thought.

You see, ever since the day my husband left, I have spent my mornings praying, worshiping and doing devotions. Sometimes that was an hour, sometimes more.  If I was having a bad day and needed to lay on the floor crying and listening to worship music, that is what I did.  As time went by, and the bad days were fewer and farther between, that time turned into time for me to just relax and rest in the Lord.  If I did have a bad day, I knew to take it immediately to God and deal with it.  In doing this, things never really piled up.

Enter working!  Now I absolutely love working, but as I mentioned above, even good changes can throw things off.  It is funny how even after being a stay-at-home mom for 11 years, you so easily slip back into “work mode”.

I leave for work in  the mornings shortly after my kids get on the bus, so I don’t have those long hours alone any more.  I thought I was handling it all fine, until after I got that ticket.  I realized that as much as I was trying to set aside time for myself, as much as I still did my devotions and prayed, I wasn’t really bringing things to God the way I had.  I wasn’t taking the time I needed to rest in him and allow him to strengthen me like I did before.

It was then that the statement my mom’s boyfriend made really took meaning.  God was trying to tell me to slow down, not just to slow down in running from one thing to the next, but to slow down and rest in him.    Jonny Diaz has a song called Breathe.  I love this song because the song itself travels the pattern of learning to stop in the middle of our rushing and rest in God.

So I decided to make a few changes.

First, I decided to leave for work earlier in the morning.  This way, I wouldn’t have to rush or worry about being late.  I could afford to take my time and enjoy the ride to work rather than feel like I was rushing.  The first few days this was strange, but as the  week progressed, I really started enjoying driving slower and how it made everything seem less urgent.

Second, I decided that as soon as I woke up in the morning, I would read a quick devotion and some scripture.  I have always prayed before getting out of bed, but adding reading some scripture and a devotion allowed time for God to speak to me as well.  This has helped my mind-set before I even get out of bed and starts my day off on the right foot.

Last, I reminded myself that although I am working and no longer have those “free hours” I still need to seek God when something comes up.  I need to make sure I take the time for it when I get home and not allow my emotions to pile up.  If that means that something in the house doesn’t get done, or that I have to shut myself in my room for a little alone with God time then that is exactly what I need to do.  And I should not feel guilty about it.  The truth is, I can take the time in the moment and give it to God, or I can keep pushing it down and then it is going to be a lot worse!

So my question to you today is….Do you need to slow down?  Don’t wait until something happens and you are knocked off your feet.  Take a moment or three and seek God.  Ask him to show you areas where maybe you need to slow down and then with his help, take the steps you need to take to slow down and rest in Him!

Good Morning and Happy Mother’s Day! I wanted to take a quick minute to celebrate YOU today on Mother’s Day.

For me, one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me is the gift of being a mom.  If you knew me back in my 20’s that statement would probably shock you.  You see for years, I swore I would never have kids.  Honestly, I thought that I would make a terrible mother and I really didn’t like the idea of having kids.  But thankfully, God knows us far better than we know ourselves.  I can’t imagine my life without my kids and I certainly never want to.

Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate our moms, but I also think it is a day to celebrate being a mom and celebrate other moms!  So today, to celebrate all the single-moms out there, I wanted to remind you of a few things you might have forgotten along the way of trying to raise your kids alone, being both mom and dad to them. I know the secret pain and stress you go through each day, because I go through it myself.  I know you doubt, you worry, you cry, I know.  But I also know that:

You Are Brave

Being a single mom takes a lot of bravery.  Whether it is dealing with spiders, mice, or bumps in the night, you are there.  You handle it because you have to.  You take those “man” jobs and you own them.  While your own heart is pounding you check everything so that your daughter who has super sonic hearing can go back to sleep knowing everything is ok.

When you have shut yourself in your room because tears are streaming down your face and you just don’t know how to go on, you bravely get up at the knock on the door, when a little voice follows saying “Mom, I need you.”

No matter how many nights you cry yourself to sleep, the next morning you get up, hold your head high and do it all over again.  You are BRAVE!

You Are Known

I love Psalm 139.  So much of this passage in The Psalms reminds us that God knows everything about us.  He has known us before we were even born, before the creation of the world.  He knows every word we say before we say it, every thought we have.  No matter where we go, He is there.

He also knows about all our hurts and holds all our tears.

Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

But I am here to remind you today that You Are LOVED! Not only are you loved by those precious gifts that call you mom, but you are loved by the God of the universe.  The One who created  you and all that you see.  The One who has unlimited power loves YOU intimately and He will NEVER EVER hurt you, abandon you, or betray you!

You Are Amazing

Today I want you to remember that you are Amazing!  You may be  walking a difficult path right now, but you are  crushing it!  Regardless of what your past held for you, your future is bright and God has a great plan for you and for your children. Focus your attention on Him today and celebrate!  Celebrate the woman He is leading you to become, celebrate the beautiful children He gave you that made you a mom, and celebrate all the moms you know by letting them know how awesome they are!

 Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Star Wars Day!!!  I don’t know about you, but in our house, we are HUGE Star Wars Fans.  I have been a fan since I saw Episode 4 when it came out waaaay back in 1977!  I can remember my sister and I running around the house with our batons, pretending they were light sabers.  Of course, I passed this passion on to my kids.  We watch everything Star Wars from the movies, to The Clone Wars, to Rebels, to the hysterical Lego spoofs like The Padawan Menace.  

The other day an interesting thought came into my head, a question that I had to ask myself honestly and thought it would be good question to put in a blog post. Then realizing that Star Wars Day was just around the corner, I figured I would wait and post it today!

In Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace,  Jedi Master Qui Gon Jinn and his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi are sent to the planet of Naboo during the Naboo Crisis.  Now if you don’t know much about the movie, or Star Wars in general, no worries, this is for everyone.

While they are there, Qui Gon saves the life of one of the inhabitants of Naboo, a gungan named Jar Jar Binks.  Because of this we are told that Jar Jar owes Qui-Gon what the Gungans call a life debt.  Meaning that his life now belongs to Qui Gon.

In fact all throughout history, in almost every culture, it has been common knowledge that if someone saves your life, you owe them a great debt, you owe them your life.

However, the truth is, they did not rescue you from death, all they did was just prolong the time until you die.  They saved you from an ill-fate in this life.  But what about the life to come?  What about eternity?

Well, the truth is that there is one person who died for all of us.  One person who came and made the ultimate sacrifice, giving his own life so we could be saved.  One person who did so much more than just post-pone the inevitable. One person that actually defeated death and saved us from it. One person who made a way for us to have eternal life. That person, is  Jesus.  Jesus has saved us from death!

“But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
1 Corinthians 15:57 NLT

^“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
John 3:16

Jesus didn’t just save our lives one time, he saved us for all of eternity! So, if it is expected that if someone saves our life one time, we owe them ours, how should we treat the person who did more than just save us from an early death, but saved us from eternal death?

You would think that this would be a give in.  Is there really any question? Obviously, we owe Jesus everything!  Everything! EVERYTHING!!!

Then why is that most the time we act like he owes us something????