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What do you think of yourself?  Where does your self-worth come from?  Maybe it is from, your accomplishments, or your job, or maybe from your husband or your kids.  It seems that at times or seasons in our lives, we all look to someone or something to find our value, our worth. I know for me, it has been everything from my job, to my kids, to how much I managed to get done in the house in a day.

But what happens when the thing/person you found your worth in is taken from you or does something that leaves you feeling worthless?  Where do you find your worth then?

I don’t know if there is anything that makes you feel more worthless, than betrayal.  When that betrayal comes at the hands of  someone who promised to love and cherish you forever, it cuts to the very core of your being.

When I met my husband, it felt as if I had found a missing part of myself.  We complimented each other in so many ways.  One of the things he wrote in our wedding vows, was that he no longer felt like anything was missing in his life, because as long as I was in his life, he had all that he desired. That was how our marriage was, each of us filling in the gaps of the other one.

When after nearly 13 years of marriage, he walked out on me and our 3 children,  I didn’t know what to think.  To say I was shattered would be an understatement.  It was as if I was watching a house burn to the ground, but it wasn’t a house, it was my life; and as  the ashes piled up around me from the destruction that event  had on my heart, the feelings of worthlessness began to set in.

Why doesn’t anyone want me?  Why does everyone leave me? What is wrong with me?

If you have suffered betrayal, or abandonment, you have probably asked yourself those same questions.

You see the world teaches us that we are nothing unless we have the right husband, the right job, the right clothes, the right amount of money and the list goes on and on and on.  Our worth is measured in success and in the value that others place on us.

However, that is NOT what God teaches us.  You see our worth, is based on something far greater than a husband, far more valuable than our bank accounts and something that can NEVER be taken from us.

Our worth is based on Christ and what HE has done for us.  A pastor in my church once gave me this statement from Robert S. McGee as a reminder …

“I have great worth apart from my performance because Christ gave His life for me, and therefore, imparted great value to me. I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, totally forgiven, accepted, and complete in Christ.”

Just let that statement sink in for a minute.  How would your life change if you really lived this way?  If you walked around knowing in your heart that: no matter what job you had, no matter if you were married or single, no matter what your bank account said, no matter what type of phone you had, clothes you wore, car you drove or house you lived in, no matter what others thought of you or said about you, no matter how good or bad you performed, no matter how many mistakes you made, you were loved, accepted, and valuable.  Would that change the way you view yourself?  What if you woke up each day, remembering that you are loved by the creator of the universe?  Loved so much that if you were the only person on this earth, Jesus would have gone to the cross for you, FOR YOU, so that you could be in relationship with God. Would where you find your self-worth change?

It did for me. After experiencing the worst rejection of my life, I needed to find a place where I could safely find my self-worth without having to worry about it being trampled.  It was then I realized that my self-worth needed to come from the only place it ever should have come from.  From my Father, God.

My worth is secure because Jesus said  “…it is finished!” John 19:30

My worth is secure because God’s love for me is secure.

^” For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

“For God so loved the world(this includes you so put your name in place of “the world”) that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16

When are worth is found in something that can never be lost, in someone who will NEVER stop loving us; when it is found in Jesus rather than in what we do it helps us to see ourselves as we truly are….PRICELESS.

So today is my birthday. There is nothing like a birthday to get you thinking back over your life and thinking about where you are and where you are going.  Today I turn 45…it is hard to believe.  Not that 45 is a huge milestone, but in a way it is.  I think back over my “milestone” birthdays.  30 was probably one of my best years ever.  I was still a newlywed and was expecting our first child.  35, we had just come through a rough patch in our marriage and we decided to go on a big trip for our 5 yr anniversary, my 35th birthday and my husband’s 30th birthday, so about a month before my birthday we traveled to the UK spending a week in London and  a day in Paris.  It was an amazing trip, almost like a second honeymoon and from that point on, our marriage felt much that way as well.  The rough spot had brought us closer than ever.  When I turned 40, my husband threw me a surprise party, he even managed to track down my uncle whom I had not seen since I was a little girl and had him come to the party.  For the most part my life seemed really good.  But if I am completely honest, my life was also filled with a lot of fear and insecurity.

So now, here I am, at my 45th birthday.  And I  can say this is certainly not where I thought  I would be at this point in my life.  Of course nobody really plans on being a single-mom.   Never would I have dreamed that the love of my life was going to walk out on me, divorce me, and leave me to raise 3 kids on my own.   However, none of this takes God by surprise, I may not have thought this is where I would be, but He KNEW this is where I would be.  And you know what?  He has met me here every step of the way.  To look at my life now, it doesn’t always “look” very good or very secure, but I feel more secure than I did then because I have come to a place of KNOWING that God has me in his hands.  That He is in control even when everything looks like it is out of control.

As I go through today, another milestone birthday, it may not “look” as good as the others, I may not be where I thought I would be but, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t trade where I am now or the relationship I have with God for where I thought I would be.  Life doesn’t always go as we have planned, but it always goes as He has planned.  I am thankful for that!

The other morning as I was driving to work, I looked down and on my right hand was this beautiful little rainbow.  As I continued to drive along, Isaiah 41:13 came into my head.

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

I thought about how God would take me by the hand, lead me and help me.  I felt a peace at knowing that He was there reminding me of that fact.  Then as the day went on, it wasn’t long before I had forgotten all about that moment.  Isn’t it funny how something so sweet and special can be forgotten but something bad will stick with you all day?

This morning, as I was doing my early morning devotion before I got out of bed, Isaiah 41:13 came up.  Immediately, I remembered that day last week and the little rainbow on my hand.  I began thinking about the significance of the term “right hand” specifically in regards to The Bible.  According to Jack Wellman, in a post for The Christian Crier , the phrase “right hand” appears 166 times in the Bible. Traditionally  the right hand signifies strength and power.  Many times in the bible, we read verses such as

Exodus 15:6
“Your right hand, LORD, was majestic in power. Your right hand, LORD, shattered the enemy.”

or one of my favorite verses

Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

As I spent some time thinking about all of this, I thought about what it meant to me, that God would hold my right hand.  Now I am no theologian, but to me it felt like God was saying…it is my strength you need…not yours.  All that you are trying to do in your own strength and with your own power, you need to let go of and take my hand.  I had a vision of a small child who needs to hold the hand of their parent when they need help to climb up and over something.  They could try to do it on their own, but if they want to climb safely and reach their destination, they need to hold their parent’s hand.  I think it is the same way with us.  We can try to do things on our own, with our own strength and our own power, but if we want to get safely through the storm, if we want to safely scale the mountain looming in front of us, we need to allow God to take hold of our right hand, relinquishing our own strength to Him and let him lead us with his power and his mighty right hand.

Again as I thought back to that morning with the rainbow on my hand.  I thought about how the rainbow was a sign of promise from God.  I thought about how at that time, I was thinking of a million different things that I could do to climb up the mountain of trouble that was looming in front of me.  And I realized that God was promising me that if I let him take hold of my hand, if I stopped trying to do it in my own strength and let him lead me, he would help me to get up the mountain safely.

No matter what we are facing in our lives.  We can’t do it in our own strength or in our own power.  We need to let God take hold of our right hand, so he can lead us through the darkness and bring us safely into the light.

Yesterday a sweet friend reminded me of something.  I was talking to her about how my job was coming to an end and she reminded me that everything happens for a reason. I agreed and remembered that it was through a job that I didn’t get, that I ended up working at my current job and it was a much better fit for someone going back to work after 11 years of being a stay-at-home mom.  God is always in control.  After talking to her, I was reminded of a post I read a couple of weeks ago as I was scrolling through Facebook. Someone had  reposted a blog that talked about the fact that there are things in our life that happen for no reason at all. It went on to say something to the effect that telling people who have experienced tragedy that there was a reason behind it was hurtful and wrong and that you should no longer speak to those people.  Now I don’t remember who the blogger was or the title of the article, I just remember how I felt reading it. I felt alone, sad, and hopeless.  Now don’t get me wrong…there are things we shouldn’t say when someone has first gone through a tragedy, in fact, when someone has gone through something traumatic, we shouldn’t have to say anything, we should just be present to listen, to help, and to be a shoulder to cry on. However, just because we shouldn’t say something right away, doesn’t make it untrue.

I have been through some pretty difficult and traumatic things in my life, things that can not be explained.  I don’t know about you, but the thought that I have gone through this, suffered and dealt with all this pain for no reason seems pretty awful to me.  The thought that everything that happens in our lives is just random and has no purpose sounds a lot worse to me than knowing that everything we go through has purpose.

The bible makes it very clear to us, that God is in control of everything that happens.  Nothing takes him by surprise, he has a plan and a purpose for everything that happens to us both the big things and the small things, the tragic and the wonderful.

One of my favorite chapters in the bible that reminds me of this is Psalm 139.  I encourage you to read the whole thing, but just look at verses 13-16

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Look at the end of verse 16….”all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” ALL the days!  Every day we live has been careful planned out by our Creator.

Psalm 33:13-15 says this:

“From heaven the LORD looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth—he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do” 

God watches over his creation, He knows everything that goes on.

Proverbs 16:9 tells us:

“We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”

This shows us again of the sovereignty of God.  He is the one who orders our steps.

I could go on and on, with verse after verse.  Like Ecclesiastes 3:1

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven”

The bottom line is, God is sovereign in the lives of men.  He is the one who is in control of what happens.  He knows all and that means He knows what is going to happen in our lives and he has a plan and a purpose as he tells us in his word.

Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

He also promises those who have put their trust in Him that ALL things will work together for good.  Meaning, no matter what happens in your life, God can and will use it for good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 NLT

We see this clearly in the life of Joseph, which I talked about more in-depth back in February in a post called Waiting=Training.

Now for me it is very reassuring to know that everything that happens to me is carefully handled by the Creator of the universe, by the One who knows me better than I know myself and loves me more deeply that I can imagine, by the one who promises good out of ALL things, and has a plan and a purpose for everything in my life and in the lives of those I love.   It is a comfort and it gives me hope.  I may not always understand this and at times, I can’t see how, but the truth remains that all God’s promises are true and so I can rest in that knowledge. So yes, everything happens for a reason!

As I was beginning to pray this morning and writing my prayer into my prayer journal, I wrote the the date and was  immediately brought back  to tf where I was on this tragic day 15 years ago.  Like our parents generation, who would always tell you where they were when JFK was shot, we go back to this day as if it were yesterday.  For me this day not only brings the tragedy of what happened on that day but also what has happened since that day.

On September 11, 2001, I was on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean on the way to Jamaica.  My husband and I had been married for a bit and we were finally taking our “actual” honeymoon which was a cruise that he had  won through a contest at work.  The same prize that had actually started us on the path of getting to know each other and ended with us deciding to spend out lives together.

We had awoke that morning and turned on the tv in our cabin to see what was up for our last full day at sea before we reached Jamaica the next day.  As we turned on the TV, the scene was one of the Twin Towers and one was smoking and in flames.  Our actual first thought was, what movie is this?  We didn’t think this was real, because how could something like this be real….but as we sat there and watched as the plane hit the second tower and realized what was happening, devastation began to sink in. I immediately began to panic, being from NY was hard enough, but the company we worked for had an office at Number Two World Trade Center and I daily spoke with many of the employees there. Here we were, in the middle of nowhere, all our family back home and we couldn’t even talk to them.  To top it off, I was pregnant, so you can imagine how emotional that made me.  I will never forget how hard it was to be away from our country as something like this was happening.  To be away from all your family even though you knew they were safe,  was heartbreaking. The only saving grace, was we had each other and we had that little baby safe and secure, just starting to grow inside me.

So as I began to write my prayer this morning, I was once again sitting on that ship.  I began to think about where my life was at that moment.  We had recently gotten married, we had bought our first home just a month or so before and we were expecting our first child.  I remember the fear we had that we were bringing a sweet baby into this crazy world, but I also remember the hope that we had as a young newlywed couple that we could get through anything..  Then I was transported back to the present, where that little baby is now  14 years old and was sleeping across the hall from me.  Tears began to come to my eyes.  I thought about how she was safe and secure when all this happened and how I wished that I could take her in my arms and bring back that feeling of security for her.  I thought about how just as those two giants of architecture crumbled to the ground, so did the security of that little girl the day her father chose to walk out on our family. All were reduced to piles of ash.

But as sunshine breaks through the clouds after the rain, God’s voice spoke to me clearly saying..”yes, but I make beauty from ashes.”

I thought about the beauty of our country after that day 15 years ago.  How amidst  all the horror and devastation, stories came of the heroes who risked everything to save strangers some of them even paying the ultimate price for their heroics.  I thought of how families amd neighbors came together, how people prayed for each other, how our flag flew high and proud as a symbol of hope and the truths that this country was founded on.  Tragedy brings us closer to each other and closer to the only one who can truly help us through it, God!

That memory gave me hope, hope that this is just a season in my (no longer so little) girl’s life, a season that will lead her on a path to her true Father, the one who will never leave her side, the one who she can trust and be secure in because He will never let her down.

I know that today, many mourn, they mourn the loss of loved ones that were taken too soon in a horrific tragedy.  They mourn the loss of security that we had as a country prior to such an attack.  And we mourn the loss of togetherness that we had immediately following those attacks, when we stood together as a country, standing for what we believed in rather than divided as we are now over senseless political agendas.  I know many mourn as I do for what has been taken from them since that day.  But I also know, that we do not have to mourn as those that have no hope.  I know that God can bring beauty out of even the ugliest of ashes.  And I know that we can be secure in the knowledge that God is in control.

Yesterday, I wrote a post that really was an outward expression of inward emotions I had been dealing with.  But, as I rode home yesterday, I was reminded that this is not just something I deal with, it is something we all deal with.  We all look around us at the destruction, the horrors, the sad things of this world and our hearts cry out…This is not how things are supposed to be!!  The truth is we are right, this isn’t how things were supposed to be.

When God created Adam and Eve, he created them to live in peace, to live in beauty, and most importantly to be in relationship with Him!  However sin entered and all of that was destroyed.  Sin not only brought pain and suffering, it brought something far worse…separation from God. As followers of Christ we know that God already had a rescue  plan in place, sending Jesus to live the life we couldn’t live and die the death we should have died and then be raised to life conquering sin and death.  Jesus bought our redemption at the price of his own blood.

So what should this feeling of things not being as they should be do to us?  Well, it should make us long for home…it should make us long for what we were created for, it should make us long for the day when Jesus will return and restoration will finally take place!  That is the hope that we have as Christians, that one day Jesus will return and set everything right, restoring it to the plan God created us for.

In the meantime though, we live here, we live in a sin filled, broken world where bad things happen and evil often rules in the hearts of men.  It can be hard, even when we know deep in out hearts restoration is coming, often our minds forget and we lose hope.  What should we do when that happens?  Well first thing, we can’t beat ourselves up about it.  There are times when we are going to be angry, when we are going to scream this isn’t fair!  There are times we are going to focus on where we are and forget Who Jesus is.  We aren’t alone in this.  The bible gives us many examples.  One that sticks in my mind the most is John The Baptist.  Jesus himself spoke of John saying in Luke 7:28 that

“I tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than John…“

yet even John had a moment of questioning.  We read  in Matthew 11 as John is in prison, he asks one of his disciples to go to Jesus and ask him

“Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?” 

 Now why would John ask that?  We already know that he knew exactly who Jesus was.  He himself told us in John: 1.  In verse 29 we read this,

“The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”  

John knew who Jesus was, but as he sat rotting in that prison, he had a moment of questioning.  If he had a moment like this, how much more are we going to have those moments.

Jesus sent the disciples back to John and responded with this

“So he(Jesus) replied to the messengers, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.“ Luke 7:22

Jesus reminds John of what He is doing.  So when we feel that way, one thing we need to do is remind ourselves of the things that Jesus has already done, what he is currently doing and what He has already accomplished for us in the future.

In this response Jesus was also quoting the prophet Isaiah.  So he used the Word of God to remind John of Who he was.  When we feel angry and lost, we can turn to God’s word and use the promises of God to remind us of Who God is all that has been done for us.

Jesus also encouraged John by reminding him of the blessing of not giving up….

“And tell him, ‘God blesses those who do not turn away because of me.‘” Luke 7:23 NLT

We need encouragement, we need to be reminded, we need guidance and direction.  That is why it is so important to spend time alone with God, spend time in God’s word, be involved in your local church and spend time in community with other believers who can be there to lift you up when you have days that you are down. The last thing we want is to allow the hurt we feel to harden our hearts and turn us away from God.

The truth is, things are not how they are supposed to be, but one day, they will be!  Let’s do as the writer of Hebrews tells us and ”

“encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.“ Hebrews 3:13

As I sat down to write this post, I honestly don’t know where to start.  So many things have been going on in the past few weeks and so much has been going through my mind that I feel like if I don’t write this slowly an explosion of words would assault your eyes.

Over the past few weeks, I have been dealing with a bit of anger.  One of my kids is going through a very difficult time and it is being exasperated by the fact that I couldn’t always be there to help since most days I am at work. .  I know I have talked about in the past, but I try very hard not to let anger at my situation get the best of me.  I try to take everything to God and ask him to help to see things from his perspective.  Lately, however, I am angry.  Angry because this is NOT how things should be.  So often in today’s society, adultery and divorce are looked at as normal.  It is no big deal and a woman like me is just supposed to get over it.  We are told face the facts, your husband doesn’t want you anymore so move on, forget about it. Marriage today is treated as a purchased item that if it doesn’t work the way you want it to or it is broken, we don’t try to fix it, we just throw it away and get a new one.  Since when is it ok to treat our spouse and our children like that?

Our society no longer looks at things like monogamy as normal.  In this hyper-sexualized society, we are encouraged to follow through on the lusts of our heart with no regard for what that will do to others.

I know I had mentioned that my church was doing a sermon series on the Ten Commandments.  Our pastor recently covered the 7th commandment….

“You shall not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:14

Our pastor did an awesome job with this and had many great points.  One of the points that stuck in my head was a quote that he used from Andy Stanley.  In an answer to a question about monogamy, this was a portion of his response….

“The value a culture places on monogamy determines the welfare of its women and children. Women and children do not fare well in societies that embrace polygamy or promiscuity. In the majority of cases, sexual freedom undermines the financial freedom of women. Sexual freedom eventually undermines the financial and emotional security of children.”  Andy Stanley

When I heard this statement, I wanted to scream out..EXACTLY!  Yes this is exactly true.  I have been dealing with this.  As a woman who worked from the time she was 15 years old and had a full-time career at the time that I got pregnant for our first child, I am no stranger to working.  However, my husband and I made the decision that I would be a stay-at-home mom and I resigned from my job where I had worked for the past 15 years.  I still worked, as any stay-at-home parent knows, that job, never ends.  I also did many extra things so that weekends could be spent together as a family rather than spent doing yard work.  When my husband left, I was left with all the bills that we had as a couple with half the income to pay them.  I had no job, because WE had made the decision for me to stay home. Not only was that very tough, but very scary as well.    How would I do this, what if I can’t afford my house? As I would make comments like that the response I often got was something like well just go get a job!  Like all these years I have been some lazy bum and now I better get off my butt and do some work!  I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but the truth is, this is a reality for far too many women and children.  Their emotional and financial security is suddenly ripped away from them because one person thinks that their sexual desires are more important than anything else. And the saddest thing is…OUR SOCIETY ENCOURAGES THIS BEHAVIOR!!!  We need look no further than the whole Ashley Madison scandal to see that.

So now you have children who suddenly had their family ripped apart, their dad(or mom) suddenly gone and now their other parent is going to be taken from them so that they can either go to work or work a second job to try to provide for them.  And we wonder why we have a society of teenagers on medication for anxiety and depression!  We have a society of kids who are emotionally insecure because they are alone, the are financially insecure because they have to watch their parent struggle to make ends meet and you can tell me all you want that kids shouldn’t worry about such things, but let me tell you they do no matter how much you try to reassure them.

I began writing this post a week or so ago and then for some reason didn’t finish.  As of yesterday I knew why.  Yesterday I found out that I would only be working for about another month at my job.  I knew going into it that it was a temporary position, but it turned into something much longer than originally thought and I have really gotten used to being there and the breathing room that it gave me financially.  Now I am back to square one with trying to find something that will provide for my family and still allow me to be there for my kids. I am in a tougher spot than before because I have added a car loan to the mix of bills I had before.  And honestly I am angry.  Angry that all of this falls on my shoulders.  This is not how it is supposed to be!

School is almost about to begin for my kids and I don’t know about you, but the transition from summer to back to school can be brutal.

In our house, summer is laid back.  We don’t really worry about bed times too much and we eat our meals when we feel like it without any set schedule.  Sometimes we skip lunch and just have an early dinner or we eat later…it doesn’t really matter because it is summer. This year was a little bit different because I had to work most days but we still weren’t very scheduled.

As I laid in bed the other morning, I started to feel really overwhelmed.  As I mentioned in a few other posts, this summer was a difficult one.  One of my children going through some very difficult emotional and physical issues only added to the strain.  So as I laid there in bed thinking about how school was starting and this was the first time that I would have to adjust to working in addition to getting my kids back to school and preparing the house and yard for winter, I started to panic  a bit.

How on earth am I going to do this?  How will I get everything done?  I am used to putting them on the bus and then finally having a few hours to myself to get things done, pray, and rest after a long summer.  How I am going to get through this?

As I cried out to God and did my devotion that morning.  One of the scriptures that came up was one of my favorites….

“Be still, and know that I am God;   I will be exalted among the nations,   I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

I wrote it down in my journal and thanked God for that verse popping up.  But, like normal, that wasn’t enough for me.  The next morning I awoke the same way.  Went to my devotions and what verse do you think popped up again….yep Psalm 46:10!  Ok God, I get it.  You want me to be still and remember who you are.  Then I went to look up the verse of the day that I get on my tablet…and what do you think it was?  You bet Psalm 46:10! Now I am saying OK God, as usual, you need to show me something at least 3 times before I get the hint!

The truth is that in the midst of my worry, in the midst of my fear, all God is saying to me is Be Still!  Look to me, rest in me…I have everything under control, I will help you.  In your weakness, I will make you strong. As I finished praying I was able to get up and feel better.  Now I am not going to lie and say I feel totally at ease about everything, but I know that as soon as that fear creeps in, I just need to stop and look to God, to be still and rest in him.  He has everything under control so I don’t need to get so worked up about everything.  So if you are like me and getting yourself in a state of panic about getting the kids back to school…Stop, Be Still…Know that He is God!!!

A few weeks ago my church started a sermon series on the Ten Commandments.  One of the sermons that stuck with me the most so far was a message that focused on the first two commandments, which both talk about God being first in our life.

Exodus 20:2-4

 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.You shall have no other gods before me.”

“You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God..”

One of the things that the message focused on was idols.  I think this day in age, many people don’t think about what idols really are because we still think of them as the golden calf that Aaron made for the Israelites in Exodus 32.  The truth is, idols hit a lot closer to home than we want to think.  Our pastor used this definition by Tim Keller that I thought was just outstanding.

‘What is an idol? It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give…

An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, “If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I ‘ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.” There are many ways to describe that kind of relationship to something, but perhaps the best one is worship.’ Tim Keller from his book Counterfeit Gods

As I read that passage, I thought back to the time right after my husband had left, when I really had to face the idea of idols in my life.  After my husband left, I thought that there was no way I could go on without him.  I cried out to God to fix this!  To bring my husband home!  I knew that God hated divorce, and it was not what I wanted either so I cried out to God to intervene and put my family back together.  I felt lost and alone, I knew that the only one who could get me through this was God.  So I started reading my bible more and praying more and as I did, God confronted me fairly quickly with this question:  When you are praying to me, what’s first?  Is your desire to draw close to me and listen to what I have to say first or is your desire to get what you want first?  Are you reading your bible and praying as some kind of a  “3 step program” to get your husband back, or are you seeking to know me and have me be your everything?  I had to take some time and really examine my motives.  Was my motive just to get my husband home or was my motive to have God be my everything?  The truth is that we can pray for something like healing or marriage restoration from God and in the process set this thing up as an idol in our life.  When getting what we want becomes our focus and we think that we can not go on without it, it is an idol.

The last thing I wanted was to miss out on what God was going to do in my life because I was  allowing an idol to come between us.  Again, I cried out to God to help me, but this time, I asked him to help me to fix my eyes on Him, I asked Him to be my everything, I placed my marriage into his hands and let him know that no matter what, I wanted to follow His plan.  Every day since then I say that pray.  I know that I need the power of the Holy Spirit to walk this path.  I know I can’t do it on my own or in my own strength. I know at times I am going to fall and make mistakes, but I also know that the way to have the life my heart truly desires can only come when I put God first.

Several times over the past weeks, I have heard myself responding to my kids “I didn’t choose this”  As I said in one of my other posts, Summer Sadness, this has been a tough summer for us this year.  It is the first summer in 11 years that I have worked and basically the only summer in my kids lives that I haven’t been home with them all summer.

When our first child was born, we knew that we didn’t want to have our kids raised in day care, we planned to do it for a bit and then try and figure something else out.  We placed my daughter in day care for about the first 3 months and then I was fortunate that my job allowed me to work part-time doing 19 hrs in the office and a few hours a day at home.  Since my husband and I worked at the same place, we adjusted our hours so that I went in at 6am and worked till 10am and he worked 10am to 6:30 pm.  We did this for nearly 2 years until my son was born, I went back to work and soon found out that having to get up and go to work at 6 am with two children under 2 was not working well.  We made the decision that at the end of that year I would stop working and be a stay-at-home mom.  I loved my job, I had worked there for 15 years starting practically out of high school and working my way up to assistant supervisor and on the way to being a manager.  It was a hard decision to make, but I never regretted it for one minute.  I wouldn’t have traded anything for being able to be home with my kids every day.

However, when my husband left, everything began to change.  I was fortunate to not have to immediately look for work , but as a year or so passed and my kids were getting a bit older I  began to look for something that would work with the school schedule.  Finances were tight and I needed something that would provide a bit of relief.  I applied for a job in the school and although the interview went great, someone within the district wanted the job and so I was back to square 1.  It was then that my church asked me if I could fill in for our receptionist and I have been there ever since.  Fortunately, they have been super flexible with working around my kids schedule during school. Summer however brought it’s own set of challenges. Thankfully again, I have been able to take a 2 days a week off during the month of August to spend some time with my kids.  This is a blessing that I don’t think my kids fully understand.

Numerous times over the summer, my daughter in particular, has taken her frustration out on me.  Frustration about the lack of funds we have to do things, the frustration about me having to be at work, the frustration and hurt she still harbors towards her father.  I know I shouldn’t lose my temper, but it is at those times I have found myself replying…I didn’t choose this! I didn’t choose to be left alone, I didn’t choose to have raise 3 kids on my own, I didn’t choose to have to take care of the house, and all the chores  on my own, I didn’t choose to have to worry about finding a job after giving up my career trusting in the fact that when the time came I would have my husband at my side when I started working again…..I didn’t choose this!  And I certainly didn’t want this!  Now I know, my kids didn’t choose any of this either.  It is then that I take a breath and explain to them that I understand, they didn’t choose or want this either.  I tell them, that there isn’t anything that any of us could have done to prevent this(believe me I tried, willing to do whatever it would take) This isn’t what we chose but it is what we were handed.  So now we have two courses of action.  We can get angry, fight, take our hurt out on each other and wallow in self pity  OR we can be understanding, rise up together, move forward, and trust God.

While I didn’t choose this, I know that nothing that happens to me is outside of God’s sovereignty. Nothing takes him by surprise. He knows every page of our story because he is the author of it! (Psalm 139:16)   He promises us that everything in our lives will work together for our good and his glory!(Romans 8:28)  Tim Keller said  

“God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows” 

Now I am not claiming to fully understand that statement.  But that is where faith comes in.  That is where knowing WHO God is comes in.  I trust that if God has allowed this in my life, it is for a reason  and that if I knew everything that he knows, I would understand. As it is in his great mercy, God has allowed me to see much good that has come out of the situation that I am in.

So maybe you are in a situation that, like me, you didn’t choose and certainly don’t want.  Instead of allowing yourself to focus on what you didn’t choose, focus on what you can choose…to trust God and know that He has you in his hands and he won’t let you go.