So for the past month or so, I have really been struggling with some deep-rooted hurt. It is funny how years can go by and you feel great and then all of a sudden something brings past hurt to the surface. When something traumatic happens in your life that is very unexpected and life altering, you deal with what you have to but you also do what you have to do to survive. Often that means pushing something aside because you can only deal with so much at a time. Then as time goes on, and things settle down, those hurts resurface. Now, while I know that this is for the best and God uses this to help us to heal, the process is often a slow and painful one.
It is like that wound that you have that has dirt in it. You know if you don’t clean it, it is going to get infected and cause more hurt and more pain, but you also know it is going to hurt something fierce to clean it out. That is kind of how I feel right now and that cut, is the deep cut of rejection and mine seems to be filled with “dirt”!
When my husband left, the hurt and pain were overwhelming. I dealt with what I had to and moved on, because 3 kids were depending on me and I couldn’t afford to let them down. Each step of the way, God has led me to the next step in my healing. I talked about this a few years ago in my post Another Stair Climbed . However, after nearly 5 years of being alone, I thought that I had pretty much climbed that staircase. That was until Mother’s Day hit this year and the hurt and pain of rejection came with it!
One of the hardest things about walking through a “deathless grief” is that the person you lost is still alive and can continue to hurt you! This Mother’s Day that is exactly what happened and the scabbed over cut of rejection was broken wide open! I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but to say that my “ex-husband” was inconsiderate is an understatement. He left me feeling utterly trampled and that my friends, is no easy feat!
As the days went by and I noticed that this was still bothering me, I decided to talk to someone about it. When I went and talked to our counseling Pastor who is also a very close family friend, she reminded me that I had been through a lot and there were things I couldn’t deal with because at the time, I had to survive, but now God was bringing things to the surface to help me to heal further. There’s that staircase again!
As the weeks have gone on, more things have happened that have broken this cut open even further. Some of it is things that have happened to me and some is things I have watched happen to others that bring that pain back fresh and real. I have spent more time crying in the past month or so than I have the entire year before! While God has brought people across my path that encourage me and remind me that I am loved more than I know, I am still struggling with this deep down hurt.
So, I have been doing and continue to do the only thing I can do. I wake up each morning and cry out to God. I pour over the scriptures and look to God for guidance, for peace, for strength. I remind myself over and over that God is sovereign over every area of my life and He knows exactly how deep this wound is and how much it needs cleaning out. I put worship music on and sing when I can and cry when I can’t. I pray often. I do the hardest thing for me to do and turn to family and friends for encouragement and help. I wait in expectation to see what God is going to do. While this doesn’t always make the path easier, it certainly makes it lighter!
The truth is the time has come and I have to climb these stairs of deep down hurt, but Thank the Lord, I am not climbing alone!