Heart Drift

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A few years ago, when I was doing a devotion I remember clearly having a picture in my mind of an anchor, a boat, and the rope that attaches the anchor to the boat.  The boat was me, the anchor was Jesus, and the rope was The Holy Spirit.  I saw in my mind that the shorter the rope was, the more I could hear the Holy Spirit and the closer I stayed to Jesus.  I also saw that the longer I let the rope get, the less and less I felt the tug of the Holy Spirit and the further I drifted from Jesus. I went on to envision a stormy sea with a rocky shore.  When the rope was taut, I stayed close to Jesus and although the storm was raging, I was led safely through the water because I was close to my anchor.  I also saw that the longer the rope was, the more the boat was tossed around, smashing into rocks and leaving me in a state of panic.  I thought of what a great illustration that was for people who wandered away from the faith, prodigals, people who chose the temporary fun of sin over the permanent peace found in Christ.

I hadn’t thought much about this illustration until this morning.  I was sitting doing a devotion and it was talking about worshiping well.  I felt really convicted that I had really not taken time to worship much lately. In fact, as I sat and thought about it, I realized I have been allowing a lot of other things in my life to take precedence over time alone with the Lord to worship.  Immediately I thought of that boat illustration and realized that it isnt just running from God and running after sin that makes that rope too loose.  It is the state of our heart.  Lately, my heart has been drifting.  Not drifting in the sense of running from God and longing for sinful things, drifting from the peace found in Jesus.  Drifting from the knowledge of who God is!

I have been overwhelmed lately with fear.  I have allowed it to push me out to sea into the rocks and rough waves, I have allowed it steal my peace.  I have allowed it to set my heart adrift and loosen the rope that holds me close to my anchor.

I know I have mentioned before that after our kids were born, my husband and I made the decision TOGETHER that I would resign my position at my job that I had been at for 15 years and stay home to raise out kids.  Of course when you do this, you are doing it with the knowledge that one day you will return to work, but that you will have the support of your spouse and it won’t all be on your shoulders.  However,for me, that is no longer the case and this is what has been causing me so much fear as of late.

I have been allowing fear of how I am going to support my family once I no longer receive spousal support from my “Ex” husband to take control of my thoughts.  I have projected a future for myself that puts me in the lap of poverty and I see no way out.

Now you might be thinking, well just get a job!  Well, I have a job, a job I love. A job that I know God has placed me in and as I look back I see the hand of God in getting  me to where I am. It allows me the freedom to be here for my kids, who though they are older now, still need their mother, specifically one of my children who deals with anxiety, depression, OCD and some post traumatic stress. But the truth is I don’t make the kind of salary that my “Ex” husband makes by any means and the truth is, I have found myself trusting God less and less and trying to find the solution myself more and more.  I have found myself getting angry and resentful of how things have gone in my life.  Even as I write this, I see how far adrift I have let my heart get!

I have allowed worry to replace worship.  I have allowed fear to replace peace.  I have allowed resentment to replace my security in Christ.  And what has the result been? I have been being tossed around in the rocks and waves rather than feeling the calm that comes when we allow Jesus to lead us through the rough waters.

The truth is while I have to do my part, God already has a plan for me.  He knows every day of my story.  He knows my hopes and dreams.  He knows what I love and what I hate and while that doesn’t mean that I won’t have to do things that I may not want to do, it does mean that He will give me the strength to do them.  I never wanted to be a single-mom, but God has walked me through each step of it so far and why on earth would I ever think that He is going to stop doing that?

So today, I cry out to the Holy Spirit to come near, to shorten that rope, to draw my heart back close to my anchor.  I cry out to Jesus for the peace that only He gives and ask the Father to help me to walk out His plan for my life whatever that may be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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