Have you ever noticed how God has a way of using even the simplest and smallest things in life to speak to you? Maybe it is the voice of a small child that says something profound. Maybe it is a line on TV; or maybe, as is often the case for me, it is a line from a song. I know last week I had referenced how God had used a song to speak to me about being there with me in the place where he had me. This morning, He did something similar, but the strange thing about what happened is that the song was by far not a worship song, it wasn’t even a Christian song, and the words I heard aren’t even the actual words to the song! However, they were words I needed to hear.
Honestly, I am reluctant to even post the actual song. Most people are going to think I am crazy, but to me, what happened shows how God is the ruler of this earth and He can and will use unconventional things to speak to us.
Now before I go any further, I would like to preference this by saying I know that God speaks to us mainly through His word and anything that doesn’t line up with that is not of God. Sola Scriptura, (scripture alone). If you don’t know what that means below is a quote from The Gospel Coalition stating what it meant to church leaders during the reformation and what we hold to today.
“Sola Scriptura meant Scripture was the supreme authority over the church. The Bible ruled reason and tradition because it alone was infallible as God’s word. All other authorities (including church leadership) were fallible and must submit to Scripture”.
The Gospel Coalition
The Bible is the word of God. It is the supreme authority over the church, and in the life of a believer. All other authorities must submit to scripture. If it goes against the Bible it is not from God. I just wanted to make that clear, lest someone think I am off the deep end and telling people to listen to less than wholesome music to hear God speak.
Now, back to this morning’s song. I was bringing my son to work and he likes to flip through the radio stations. As he was flipping, I caught a brief snippet of a song. He turned the radio off at that point, I turned it back on to listen to the chorus. The song was Hemmorage (In My hands), by the band Fuel, I wouldn’t recommend looking it up. The words I heard start out as the actual words…which are “don’t fall away”. Then, it changes. The next words I heard were… leave yourself in My hands again. Now that is not what the song actually says. I looked it up as soon as I got home. But, in that moment in time, that is what I heard, and honestly, that is what I needed to hear.
I have had a lot of dark days as of late, but none as dark as yesterday. Another cut was made on my heart at the hands of this same situation that has been plaguing me for months. This one cut deep, too deep. Deep enough to make me question who I am, question if I am listening to God, question if I am where God wants me to be, question if I am a good mother, question if I even know what I am doing in life. I pretty much questioned everything in my life EXCEPT God. I spent the majority of the night crying. I was truly ready to just give up. I slept fitfully and in a state of exhaustion and depression I was driving my son to work this morning. That’s when I heard: don’t fall away, leave yourself in My hands again.
Like most of us, when tough times come, I run to God. Far too often, I try to jump out of God’s hands and handle things on my own. This time I felt more like I was ripped out of God’s hands, thrown on the ground, and stepped on. Now of course that isn’t true…the Bible tells us in John 10:28 that we can not be snatched out of God’s hands “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” John 10:28 (emphasis mine) but, that is how I felt. When feelings don’t line up with God’s word, that is when we know they are wrong. I know that God loves me, I know He has his hand in this situation, He has told me that. Others, who I have gone to for help, leaders who I trust have told me that. Friends, who I hold myself accountable to have told me that. Then how did I get from the place of trusting God, to laying on the floor in a pool of my own tears doubting everything about who I am? Honestly, I wish I really knew, but all I can say is when we allow hurts to come in and take over, it gets our eyes off God and that is when trouble comes. When those hurts bring confusion and deep pain, it can make it hard to see or think clearly. It was being in this place that had me make a poor choice earlier this week. It was this that had me wanting to run away, to get away from everything to do with this whole situation. It was the hurt and pain that had me feeling like I was going to explode from all the anger that has built up inside of me. It was getting my eyes off God and allowing the exhaustion of the constant battle I have been in to catch up with me like never before. But, in that place, in that state, out of darkness, through darkness God said, don’t fall away, leave yourself in my hands again.