As I write this, it probably isn’t going to make much sense. My mind is a jumble of too many things but, I just feel it is important to write it because I think we all get to the place I am at and knowing that we are not alone can be a bigger help than we think.
Lately my life has felt like nothing but turmoil. One situation after another has been causing hurt and pain throughout my household. One particular situation has been ongoing for the past 5 months and has been so stressful at times that I have literally had chest pains. It has caused dissension in my family and I often feel like I am literally in a war zone. While many of the things are just the growing pains of 3 teenagers in the house, one of which just graduated and turned 18, there have also been things that have happened that are hurtful and I have no control over them. I have watched my kids hurt in ways I have never wanted them to hurt and I have watched people I love suffer at hands similar to ones I suffered at. Much of it rekindles anger inside me that I am constantly trying to give to God. However, raising 3 teenagers on your own often brings the sense of loss, hurt , and pain that you weren’t supposed to have to do this on your own. Over an over people have prayed for me, people tell me they are worried about me and the truth is at times I worry about myself.
Well yesterday was the day. Yesterday I reached my breaking point. As a torrent of tears poured over me as I screamed and cried I reached a point where I just couldn’t see past the hurt I was feeling. I didn’t eat, I didn’t make my kids Valentine’s Day candy, I didn’t want to talk, I just shut myself in my car and then in my room. I went to bed thoroughly spent. Every last ounce of energy I had was gone. I slept fitfully during the night my body still trying to get rid of the stress that had held it captive throughout the past weeks. Then morning came…..
Not just morning as in the next day, morning as in the kind that only God can bring. Morning as in the sun that comes out after the rain. Morning as in “...His mercies are new every morning” Nothing in my circumstances has changed except my view. What happened yesterday happened because I allowed my eyes to be taken off of the only One who could help. My eyes were on my circumstances, my problems, and of course the more I focused on those things, the more bad thoughts came until my eyes were so filled with hurt and pain that I couldn’t see the eyes of my savior. I took on other peoples hurts instead of allowing them to flow through me to the arms of the only One who can carry them.
So as I awoke this morning, God made sure that the verses that awaited me were ones I needed to remember. He spoke to me and broke through the darkness that had me so ensnared yesterday.
“to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.” Luke 1:79
Shadow of death is exactly how I felt. And His peace was exactly what I needed.
” For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37
” Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,” Ephesians 3:20
My situation seems impossible, but God!
“for he who is mighty has done great things for me and holy is his name.” Luke 1:49
God has done amazing things in my life, but somehow in all that pain I forgot, as we all do I suppose when our eyes become transfixed on the trials and troubles of this world rather than on him.
So what do I do, I take a step back, I get down on my knees and cry out for forgiveness. I humble myself because I know I can’t do this on my own, I know I am not the one in control of my kids lives, He is! He is the one who needs to lead, not me. I ask for forgiveness from my kids, because humbling ourselves and letting our kids know when we are wrong is one of the most important things we can do. I remind myself of Who God is and I re-fix my my eyes on Him!