As I woke up this morning and wrote the date in my journal, I realized that today would have been mine and my husbands’ 17th wedding anniversary. The realization didn’t really bother me in any way, but as it always does, days like this make me think about things. As I looked back over some of my past blog posts, I read one that I wrote a few years ago entitled Summer Sadness As I read through it I realized that this summer has pretty much gone the same way. This summer has really been a tough one for me. As usual the summer starts with all these hopes and dreams of how it is going to go and then we get to this point and I realize that nothing went as planed. Now of course, that is pretty much how all of life is and thankfully, we have God to direct our steps through this minefield of life. However, this summer, I have pretty much felt like I am lost.
As I read through the post I started to think…Am I ever going to get better at this single-mom thing? Am I ever going to learn how to spread myself across a job that was meant for 2 people? Honestly, I don’t know! This summer is the 5th summer I have spent as a single-mom and honestly, it has been one of the hardest ones for me emotionally, physically, and at times, spiritually. In my mind I thought that as my kids got older, I would find it easier to navigate the “single-mom” waters. I have found the opposite to be true. Older children bring bigger problems. My kids can pretty much take care of themselves for the most part, which gives me a certain amount of freedom, but it also makes it harder to spend time with them and connect with each of them. This summer I have seen a distance in the eyes of my sons that I honestly don’t know how to fix. My boys and I have always been super close. We like the same things and usually spend quite a bit of time together. My daughter is more of a loner and while we have always had a close relationship, it has always been a rocky one. However, this summer the tables seemed to turn. My summer has been spent much of the time with my daughter and her boyfriend, doing things with them or carting them around. As weeks went by I realized I had hardly spent any time with my sons and they noticed as well. I also realized, there is only 1 of me, and trying to spread myself between 3 kids, taking care of the house, and work seems to be an impossible task. Add to that the fact that their father bailed on them almost every weekend this summer and has hardly seen them or talked to them and it seems I have not had a break.
As I sat to write this, I was asking myself, why are you writing this, it sounds like you are just complaining and this isn’t helpful to anyone. But I realized that I am writing this because being a single-mom is tough and too often we feel alone and we feel like everyone else has this figured out and we are the only ones who are messing it up. So if that is you and you feel that way, I want you to know you aren’t alone! I want you to know that as single-mom’s there is no blueprint to follow to get us down this road. We do the only thing we can do. We get up each morning by the grace of God, cry out to him for help and learn to keep our eyes on Him. We do the best we can in each given moment and when we make a mistake, we pick ourselves up and ask God to help us again.
Kris, you are doing your best and even if they don’t know now, they will. I look back at the years of single parenting and often think what a disaster, we barely made it. But recently one of my adult children told me how much she appreciated all I did. And that is the proof of Jesus. Praying for you.
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Thank you Janiea! That means so much!